Technology is fucked up

Technology has been separating us from ourselves since long before Donatella Versace had her first face lift. Instead of communicating face to face, person to person, etc. we are now constantly communicating from whatever device to whatever device and it is totally fucking up the way people perceive the world and treat others. I’m having a really spiritual moment right now.

But seriously. A few weeks ago, I woke up one morning and was like ‘you know what? Fuck Facebook.’ So I deactivated my account. And the number of people who were legit upset about my decision to remove myself from the Facebook community made me wonder why someone can’t/wouldn’t be able to live an amazing life without a Facebook profile. Isn’t your FB profile supposed to be a reflection of your actual life?

Look, I get that social networking is a beautiful thing, but you know what’s not? Having a bunch of disgusting cyber-stalkers and people from your high school that you used to hate looking at your beach/drunk photos. Yeah yeah, I know you can block people and limit who can see shit on your profile and whatevs. But the fact that you have to watch your Facebook ass as well as your REAL ass in life just seems like way too much effort for me.

I also realize that I’m communicating to all of you using another form of technology called the ‘internet’, which I’m not totally opposed to but is still contributing to people becoming lazy, self-obsessed and generally dumber. We need to use technology wisely and not abuse it, meaning we need to take very long breaks from it and actually participate in our own lives. Like, for instance, it’s a nice day out. We should all be closing up our laptops, leaving the office and going outside to smoke a joint with our friends. Or talking and laughing or whatever.  Just saying.

So, if you really don’t care about Facebook and aren’t emotionally attached to it/brainwashed, delete it. Then, I will personally invite all of the people who have deleted Facebook over to my place for a super-chic, exclusive no-meat BBQ/cocktail party and we can laugh about how real life is SO much better than looking at people’s Photo-shopped pics of them ‘having fun’ in ‘cool places’ on Facebook.

But if I ever create a new FB profile, don’t forget to add me as a friend! Yay

L

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Italy did NOT get their shit together.

I knew this would happen. Once again, the choke artists in blue (otherwise known as the Italian soccer team) have disappointed every single Azzurri fan in the world. AGAIN. Like, they actually won a few games this year too which I was really shocked about. They usually tie it up during the first one or two matches and then lose miserably before they ever make it into the finals. They were doing so well for so long. Uggh.

Anyway, there is no reason why we can’t all enjoy the rest of our summers and move past that awful game on Sunday afternoon. However, I do want to publicly apologize to Balotelli on behalf of the rest of the team for sucking, because he looked super pissed after Torres scored his first goal, when he obviously realized that it was over for them. I still firmly believe that B should’ve started a small riot on the field, but he was clearly sad and wondering whether or not he’d be able to spend the remaining summer months on Jay-Z’s yacht or whatever. I hope he finds something to keep himself busy aside from killing people with death stares.

I’ll re-visit this subject in two years, when I care again. For now I’m going back to ignoring soccer.

L

I’ll only drink it if it’s expensive.

Everything is better when it’s been designed by a professional artist/creative director/celebrity. This obviously/especially applies to drinks and so I’ve chosen some of the most amazing designer beverage containers I’ve ever seen and posted them below.

Versace Diet Coke

Typical Donatella. Colourful, obnoxious, extravagant and a little weird.

Jean Paul Gaultier Diet Coke

Gaultier used his traditional male/female silhouettes for his custom DC bottles.

Cavalli Diet Coke

Animal print is even hotter on a Coca Cola Light bottle.

Moschino Diet Coke

This Moschino design is pretty, feminine and super romantic.

Absolute Rock Vodka

This grungy, studded-leather vodka bottle is so fierce. Paired with a cropped leather jacket, a pair of ripped skinny jeans and a sky-high pair of studded Louboutins, you could pretty much scare the shit out of everyone at any party. Perf.

Special Edition Moet Rose

All I have to say is this: it’s champagne, it’s pink, and there is a metallic gold pen. For these three reasons, this is the best set EVER.

Alcohol and hours of fun in one super cute package!! I don’t know about you, but I love drawing on shit when I’m drunk.

On that note, I’m going to have a drink. A really glamorous, expensive drink.
L

Furniture that looks like food but isn’t.

I recently came across this fad from who knows when involving food being re-created as pieces of furniture. Some of the stuff looked really funny/cool and some of it scared the shit out of me. I suppose in the end it’s all a form of extremely weird art, which I can totally appreciate. These were my fav food/art/furniture pieces:

Ice cream sandwich seat

I died laughing when I saw this. Are you fucking kidding me? Imagine walking into a friends newly-furnished otherwise chic living room and then seeing THAT sitting on the far side of the room next to the bookshelf. How do you even react. While it’s super random because it goes with NOTHING, this seat kind of makes me want an ice cream sandwich, which I would never ever eat, unless it was a So delicious organic soy banana split sandwich. (banana-split-minis)

Cupcake pillow

This pillow looks SO. REAL. And it’s actually pretty cute. It’s not too out there, so you could use it to accessorize a white couch or chaise and it wouldn’t make the room look completely retarded.

Egg carpet?

This is just fucked up and has no place in anyone’s home. Sunny-side-up eggs? Seriously? Actually, this may be cute if used in a restaurant, specifically a breakfast place. Otherwise, no.

Hamburger bed/pillows/carpet/who the fuck knows

This is so fucking funny, mostly because I don’t even know what it is. It’s literally a hamburger-thing consisting of like 7 pieces that you can remove and use separately. In theory, it’s pretty cute. But in reality, I could never see myself ever buying this and using it. It would be great for a kid’s playroom though. Or your dog? The dog might take offence to it though.

Mimi Tin sushi pillows/seats

These are kind of cool, except I don’t know what those stringy green and white things are. I would probably just throw them out. The pillows and seats are kind of adorable though. I would actually consider buying this set because of how unique and visually interesting it is! Plus this furniture was created by Burmese-American artist/fashion designer Mimi Tin, whose shit I LOVE.

mimitinfashion.com

This is one of her wedding dresses. Her style is a bold combination of I-don’t-give-a-fuck-ness and girly-ness.

Good luck finding the furniture though, it was released on the market years ago and I haven’t been able to find any online. But I’m sure you could find the ice cream sandwich seat in 5 seconds!

L

Italy might actually be getting their shit together

So if anyone was sober enough to watch the entire Italy vs. whoever game yesterday, they would know that Italy won the game 4-2. This means that people are going to be wearing a lot of blue, drinking a lot and screaming obscenities for the next God-knows how long.

People lose their shit when Italy wins and while I realize that Italy is awesome, I started to wonder what it is that people love about the Italian team. I went out into the field and interviewed some people (just kidding, I texted people this question and then they texted me back) and this is what they had to say:

L: So why do you think Italy is such a great team? How do you feel about Italy winning the game yesterday?

Franc: (No answer)

Anat: Well, to be honest I didn’t watch the game. But I’m happy so many Italians are happy.

Sara: Cause they’re sexy.

Amanda: Yeah I didn’t watch it.

Elisa: I think it’s sex.

And so, it all makes sense now and I totally understand why Italy is the favourite. Stay tuned-the Italy vs. Germany game is on June 28th!

L

More unicorns

Hey guys,

Charlie the unicorn is back. And the other two. These videos were uploaded like a few years ago and I had no idea they existed, so here they are now. Sorry, I’m drunk a lot. I never know what’s going on anymore.

Episode 1

Episode 2

For those of you who haven’t seen the original Charlie the unicorn video/have been asleep for the past 5 years, it’s time to wake the fuck up. Click on this link to watch it.

Happy Saturday!

L

Poison ivy should die.

So I have poison ivy, which I’m really fucking pissed off about. I’m sure you’re wondering how I got poison ivy in the first place, since I hate nature and obviously would never touch a plant unless it was a pretty flower. Even then…probably not.

Anyway, long story short; I went into the woods with Gucci who was being a total asshole, he refused to stay on the path and ran through the brush several times, resulting in me having to crouch down and reach into the brush to pick him up and bring him back to the path. Fuck him.

I feel terrible for anyone who’s ever had this shit, because it’s not only itchy but also BLISTERS over time and looks hideous. Well, I wouldn’t say that mine looks hideous per se, but it’s still early. It IS pretty red and bumpy though. To make matters worse, my birthday party is tomorrow and I’m wearing a dress.

Oh, and just so everyone is aware, this is what poison ivy looks like:

Sure, it looks cute and harmless but it’s totally not.

If you want to avoid putting yourself in the predicament I’m in right now, here are some friendly tips on how to keep yourself safe this summer:

1) Don’t go camping

2) Don’t go into the woods

3) Don’t leave your house

4) Don’t let your dog go into the woods

5) Do sleep a lot

6) Don’t fall into a patch of poison ivy

7) Don’t get drunk around poison ivy

8) Don’t eat poison ivy

Good luck. There are only two small rashes on my wrist and knee right now, but if I wake up tomorrow with a rash on my face, I’m going to be super upset.

P.S. You can’t give poison ivy to other people. Yay.

L

Wishing myself a very sparkly birthday

You know what? This year has been bullshit. Like, I lived in Italy, wrote a book, blah blah blah. But THIS year (my 28th) is going to be one of my best years yet. Why? I’ll explain.

In order to get what I mean, you need to understand what I am looking for out of life. I plan to accomplish as much as possible during this awesome, super sparkly year. So the following are my life goals/birthday wishes in no particular order:

1) Get married or engaged or whatever.

2) Find an amazing job.

3) Finish my second book.

4) Something to do with unicorns.

5) Try bath salts (just kidding I would NEVER. DO. BATH SALTS. EVER.)

6) Design my own exclusive line of dresses/Blackberry cases/iPhone cases/clutches/pillows/cat outfits.

7) Spread happiness throughout the world.

8) Develop a sense of where I am, what I’m doing and why I’m doing it.

The last one is super important, because I lose track of everything all the time. But what I’ve realized is that no matter where you are or what you’re doing or where those cats came from or how you ended up in some person’s bathtub…I forgot where I was going with this. Just enjoy your fucking life, you only have one. I know I will. Just don’t enjoy it by eating a lot of sugar. Or any sugar for that matter.

L