Career Spotlight: Bartending

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A bartender is a person who makes drinks. They also clean.

I interviewed one of these people a few weeks ago, then accidentally left my Macbook air in a cab, then had it returned to me. Finally after all this time, this is how our interview went.

Q: So you’re a bartender. Why.

A: When I bartend I have the choice of whether or not to ignore people. The dining room is bullshit. I hate people.

Q: I’m sure you make drinks for all kinds of crazy people. What is the most ridiculous drink you’ve ever made, and the biggest psycho you’ve ever served.

A: Smurf on the rag. Consists of blue curacao, creme de cacao, grenadine, drizzled down the side of the shot glass.

Q: So it just drips all over your face?

A: I guess.

A: A schizophrenic guy sits here all the time, having conversations with himself.

Anthony: He stabs the plate.

A: He finds himself really funny.

Q: What’s your favourite drink?

A: Mojito. They’re refreshing. Tequila mojitos are the best.

Q: Do those exist?

A: No. But I make them.

Q: So you’re really pretty, what do you wanna do with your life?

A: I wanna be a pretty lawyer.

Q: Which regulars do you hate here?

A: This real estate agent. He came in here and asked me what colour my underwear are in front of his wife.

Q: That’s sick. I’ll have another 8 oz glass of the Pinot Grigio. Thanks.

Thanks unnamed bartender, for helping me create another inspirational career spotlight post. Also, don’t forget to tip your bartender. Have a super cute day everyone!

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Career Spotlight: Hostessing

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A “hostess” is someone who does things and talks to people and wipes surfaces. This job requires either little to no education or a Bachelor’s degree/possibly some grad studies. It really depends.

Sometimes, hostesses dress like this.

Lover Serenity dress

And sometimes they dress like this.

Slutty

But regardless of their outer appearance, hostesses should always remember to:

  • bring people to their assigned tables
  • look hot
  • provide guests with menus
  • be nice to children, even though children are annoying
  • tolerate moderately drunk people
  • wipe things
  • smile
  • make things look pretty

If you enjoy doing things and smiling, this could be your dream job. Or not.

L

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I spent 5 years at this place, and got this really nice piece of paper.

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I went to this thing in London, Ontario called a “university” where you have to go to all these different rooms and listen to people talk about things, read books, go to parties, get drunk, remember all the shit you learned in the rooms/books, and then write tests about everything. It was hard.

At the end of your program, there is this other thing called “convocation” that I missed because I was obviously in Europe. At “convocation” you get something called a “diploma” that basically states you’ve graduated from some accredited program in some field and can now fuck off and look for a way to make money other than through drug dealing or prostitution.

I forgot all about my diploma for like, 2 years, but then remembered that I felt like going to London to drink and visit friends right before the school was going to destroy it. I figured I’d pick it up on my way to the bar.

But once I got it, I was like, “What am I supposed to do with this? Why is it so big? Is there a hair salon nearby?”

I could’ve put it on my wall like most people, but I felt like I could do better.

Other Uses for a Bachelor’s Degree:

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Cute Placemat

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Hand towel

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Welcome mat…

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Bathmat!

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Toilet paper

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?

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Page in colouring book

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Sandwich?

Ahhh success. It’s truly inspirational earning one of these. Now it’s time to look for a legit career. I wonder if the Saugeen stripper has found a good job yet.

L

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So this is what happens in Spring Breakers

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Once upon a time, there were 3 slutty lunatics. Selena Gomez becomes friends with them. They rob some restaurant and go away for Spring Break. Then, things start happening.

They do handstands in the hallway and go to parties. People do coke.

PartyCoke

Everyone goes to jail.

Jail

Suddenly, James Franco bails them out with his two creepy friends.

Bail

Selena Gomez goes home, because she’s a pussy.

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James Franco plays a Britney Spears song on a grand piano, while the girls dance around in masks with semi-automatic weapons.

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They piss of a black guy and he shoots the weird blonde girl. Then, the last two girls kill everyone, steal the black guy’s Lamborghini and drive away into the sunset.

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This is the stuff that dreams are made of. Well, my dreams, at least.

 

Byyyye.

L

Officialness.

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Hi.

So I bought a domain. I feel like this should be a cause for celebration or something. I’ve decided I’m going to celebrate by finishing my soy latte and eating one strawberry. No, make it two. Hope your Thursday is going way better than mine, meaning that you’re drunk!

Thanks again for your support, weird/crazy strangers!

L

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