Poison ivy should die.

So I have poison ivy, which I’m really fucking pissed off about. I’m sure you’re wondering how I got poison ivy in the first place, since I hate nature and obviously would never touch a plant unless it was a pretty flower. Even then…probably not.

Anyway, long story short; I went into the woods with Gucci who was being a total asshole, he refused to stay on the path and ran through the brush several times, resulting in me having to crouch down and reach into the brush to pick him up and bring him back to the path. Fuck him.

I feel terrible for anyone who’s ever had this shit, because it’s not only itchy but also BLISTERS over time and looks hideous. Well, I wouldn’t say that mine looks hideous per se, but it’s still early. It IS pretty red and bumpy though. To make matters worse, my birthday party is tomorrow and I’m wearing a dress.

Oh, and just so everyone is aware, this is what poison ivy looks like:

Sure, it looks cute and harmless but it’s totally not.

If you want to avoid putting yourself in the predicament I’m in right now, here are some friendly tips on how to keep yourself safe this summer:

1) Don’t go camping

2) Don’t go into the woods

3) Don’t leave your house

4) Don’t let your dog go into the woods

5) Do sleep a lot

6) Don’t fall into a patch of poison ivy

7) Don’t get drunk around poison ivy

8) Don’t eat poison ivy

Good luck. There are only two small rashes on my wrist and knee right now, but if I wake up tomorrow with a rash on my face, I’m going to be super upset.

P.S. You can’t give poison ivy to other people. Yay.

L

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