Career Spotlight: Bartending

B2BarB

A bartender is a person who makes drinks. They also clean.

I interviewed one of these people a few weeks ago, then accidentally left my Macbook air in a cab, then had it returned to me. Finally after all this time, this is how our interview went.

Q: So you’re a bartender. Why.

A: When I bartend I have the choice of whether or not to ignore people. The dining room is bullshit. I hate people.

Q: I’m sure you make drinks for all kinds of crazy people. What is the most ridiculous drink you’ve ever made, and the biggest psycho you’ve ever served.

A: Smurf on the rag. Consists of blue curacao, creme de cacao, grenadine, drizzled down the side of the shot glass.

Q: So it just drips all over your face?

A: I guess.

A: A schizophrenic guy sits here all the time, having conversations with himself.

Anthony: He stabs the plate.

A: He finds himself really funny.

Q: What’s your favourite drink?

A: Mojito. They’re refreshing. Tequila mojitos are the best.

Q: Do those exist?

A: No. But I make them.

Q: So you’re really pretty, what do you wanna do with your life?

A: I wanna be a pretty lawyer.

Q: Which regulars do you hate here?

A: This real estate agent. He came in here and asked me what colour my underwear are in front of his wife.

Q: That’s sick. I’ll have another 8 oz glass of the Pinot Grigio. Thanks.

Thanks unnamed bartender, for helping me create another inspirational career spotlight post. Also, don’t forget to tip your bartender. Have a super cute day everyone!

MoeMoe1IMG_0288DSC02121smurf

Career Spotlight: Hostessing

PB1HostessDalPlayboyBunnies

A “hostess” is someone who does things and talks to people and wipes surfaces. This job requires either little to no education or a Bachelor’s degree/possibly some grad studies. It really depends.

Sometimes, hostesses dress like this.

Lover Serenity dress

And sometimes they dress like this.

Slutty

But regardless of their outer appearance, hostesses should always remember to:

  • bring people to their assigned tables
  • look hot
  • provide guests with menus
  • be nice to children, even though children are annoying
  • tolerate moderately drunk people
  • wipe things
  • smile
  • make things look pretty

If you enjoy doing things and smiling, this could be your dream job. Or not.

L

Hostess standFrat's 2Frat'sBread

I spent 5 years at this place, and got this really nice piece of paper.

UWO3Western 2Western1

I went to this thing in London, Ontario called a “university” where you have to go to all these different rooms and listen to people talk about things, read books, go to parties, get drunk, remember all the shit you learned in the rooms/books, and then write tests about everything. It was hard.

At the end of your program, there is this other thing called “convocation” that I missed because I was obviously in Europe. At “convocation” you get something called a “diploma” that basically states you’ve graduated from some accredited program in some field and can now fuck off and look for a way to make money other than through drug dealing or prostitution.

I forgot all about my diploma for like, 2 years, but then remembered that I felt like going to London to drink and visit friends right before the school was going to destroy it. I figured I’d pick it up on my way to the bar.

But once I got it, I was like, “What am I supposed to do with this? Why is it so big? Is there a hair salon nearby?”

I could’ve put it on my wall like most people, but I felt like I could do better.

Other Uses for a Bachelor’s Degree:

DSC00791

Cute Placemat

DSC00799

Hand towel

DSC00795

Welcome mat…

DSC00797

Bathmat!

DSC00794

Toilet paper

DSC00796

?

DSC00800

Page in colouring book

DSC00802

Sandwich?

Ahhh success. It’s truly inspirational earning one of these. Now it’s time to look for a legit career. I wonder if the Saugeen stripper has found a good job yet.

L

UWO3UWO4Western3UWO2Saugeen stripper

So this is what happens in Spring Breakers

FriendshipSBVespas

Once upon a time, there were 3 slutty lunatics. Selena Gomez becomes friends with them. They rob some restaurant and go away for Spring Break. Then, things start happening.

They do handstands in the hallway and go to parties. People do coke.

PartyCoke

Everyone goes to jail.

Jail

Suddenly, James Franco bails them out with his two creepy friends.

Bail

Selena Gomez goes home, because she’s a pussy.

Selena

James Franco plays a Britney Spears song on a grand piano, while the girls dance around in masks with semi-automatic weapons.

PianoGuns

They piss of a black guy and he shoots the weird blonde girl. Then, the last two girls kill everyone, steal the black guy’s Lamborghini and drive away into the sunset.

Lambo

This is the stuff that dreams are made of. Well, my dreams, at least.

 

Byyyye.

L

Officialness.

ChampagneChamp

Hi.

So I bought a domain. I feel like this should be a cause for celebration or something. I’ve decided I’m going to celebrate by finishing my soy latte and eating one strawberry. No, make it two. Hope your Thursday is going way better than mine, meaning that you’re drunk!

Thanks again for your support, weird/crazy strangers!

L

CrazyCrazy2Amanda

Victoria Day weekend, or whatever

ImageImage

This weekend, I spent most of my time pondering what I want to do with my life. I also spent a good 12 hours figuring out whether or not I want to watch a 20 minute display of fireworks in celebration of ‘Victoria Day’, which is a ‘holiday’ in ‘Canada’.

After mojitos, French wine, sunbathing, composing a page of my book, thinking about making vegan cupcakes, not making vegan cupcakes and googling ‘fireworks’, I decided to watch the fireworks.

After all was said and done, I had an epiphany; I am taking a hiatus from working/looking for work/thinking about looking for work for at least 2 weeks to devote time to my up and coming memoir. I’m also going to take time to dedicate myself to drinking wine and working on my tan.

Also, as a gift to you guys, I will be releasing a sample chapter of my book here at sparkliness.com at some point to get you SO excited for my book. You’re welcome.

Hope you had a fab Victoria day weekend.

L

ImageImageImage

I’m back.

Image

6 months ago, I died.

I started working in a field I had abandoned long ago, forgetting who I was, what I was, which country I was in.

Now, I’m back. There is only one thing in the world I’m supposed to be doing, and that is writing. And wearing Gucci. And travelling. And sunbathing. And going to parties.

I’m never giving up my dream again. Life is too short to work in the healthcare industry.

It’s sunny and I’m going to have a mojito. I’ll leave you with this profound song about a crazy, slutty girl following her dreams. I hope it inspires you.

Happy May 2-4!

L

Pictures of Cute Animals

It’s Thursday and I’m bored. To cure my boredom I spent approximately 10 minutes gathering together pictures of super cute animals doing equally cute things to post on my blog site. It was a fun ten minutes, but now I’m back to wanting to throw myself out a window. Whatever. Pictures.

Burrito cat is really adorbs.

Porcupines are actually cute? Why didn’t I know this before. Wait, this is actually a hedgehog.

Valentino loves pugs. I trust him.

Ducklings swimming around in a sink? Soooooo cute.

Snowy cat.

Happy Thursday.

L

The Watermelon Diet.

Hey guys.

This diet is super easy. It keeps you hydrated during the summer and soooo skinny at the same time.

What you will need:

  • whole watermelon
  • vodka

Instructions:

Get your maid or house-keeper or mom or whoever to cut the watermelon because knives are dangerous, especially when you’ve taken a lot of Xanax. While they’re doing this, pour yourself a glass of vodka. Drink the vodka.

Finally, once it’s been cut up, eat one piece of watermelon every 2-4 hours. It’s genius.

You’re welcome.

L